


Guilt

by PeculiarProjects



Category: Code Geass
Genre: F.L.E.I.J.A., Forgiveness, Gen, Guilt, Nina's thoughts, Only Nina's perspective, Pre-Zero Requiem, R2 episode 23, Sad, Zero Requiem, depressed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-06-16 07:20:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15431895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeculiarProjects/pseuds/PeculiarProjects
Summary: These are Nina's thoughts on Lelouch's actions and her guilt after the F.L.E.I.J.A. incident.





	Guilt

**Author's Note:**

> Major spoilers for the end of the series, as well as character deaths that happen throughout the series. Please try to finish the show before reading this if you don't like to spoil events for yourself.

Nina stared down at her hands and watched them tremble. She could feel all of the emotions she had felt over the past year swirl inside of her body. The fear and anxiety and sadness and  _ anger _ welled up in her chest, forcing her to brace herself on the table before her.

 

All of those people… All of those men and women and children were  _ disintegrated _ because of her. Over 35 million people were  _ dead _ because of her. Because she didn’t think twice about creating the weapon. Because she was certain that this would bring Zero to justice and redeem Euphemia’s tarnished name.

 

Of course, now the blood was on her hands and there was nothing she could do to rinse herself of the guilt. She imagined for a moment that this must be how Zero felt. So much blood, so much death resulting from the actions of one person… But then she realized this couldn’t possibly be how he felt. He smiled in the face of death from under that mask. Zero hid his face so he didn’t need to take responsibility face-to-face with the consequences. Zero was a horrible monster who Nina couldn’t see without getting a panic attack along with a flurry of emotion. But Lelouch? What did she think of Lelouch?

 

Lelouch needed her help. She wasn’t sure whether his decisions were an act or not, but he seemed to truly rely on her now to make a F.L.E.I.J.A. countermeasure. Then again, his entire personality during school had been an act. While he smiled during student council meetings, scenes of war flashed behind his eyes. When he acted carefree and casual, he truly was planning his next actions as Zero. It was the most bizarre notion to combine the actions of her so-called friend with that of the man who killed Euphemia. The timing never seemed to line up in her memories, but she couldn’t be sure anymore because she hadn’t been paying close attention to Lelouch’s behavior. Her goal had been solely on Zero and finding a way to rid the Earth of him. 

 

Nina knew that she would never forgive Zero. The image that Lelouch had gone so above and beyond with creating was fool-proof. No one would know the truth about him, other than the ones who had worked closely with him. Nina doubted that Milly or Rivalz or the other student council members had known the extent of Lelouch’s deception to them all. No, she would never forgive Zero, but could she forgive Lelouch?

 

Lelouch needed her help. Zero needed her help. She wanted to keep the people separate in her mind, but by creating a F.L.E.I.J.A. countermeasure, she would be helping both Lelouch and Zero. Did he really deserve her help after all he had done? The immense grief she had felt after Euphemia’s death nearly fractured her sanity. Euphemia had practically been a Goddess to her; the one person who gave her hope for the fate of the future, and Zero had ruined that. Lelouch had destroyed her faith, acting as a creature in a mask. 

 

Then again, Lelouch was trying to make things right, for his friends and for the rest of the world. By becoming the source of all hate amongst the Britannians, Elevens, and the remainder of the population, his sacrifice would allow everyone to finally move on. Nina didn’t know how she could move on though. Her unhealthy fixation on defeating Zero would leave her hollow. What would she do when she sat down and didn’t have anger to distract her from the red stains on her hands? 

 

It would be so easy to sabotage the project. Creating a false mechanism that would react too soon would destroy Zero and his plan, but this time, it would destroy Lelouch too. She would eradicate his chance to atone for his sins. Apart of her believed that he had no right to be forgiven and that he should have the horrors follow his conscience for the rest of eternity. But, his willingness to tarnish his own name--not the name of Zero, but his own name--and lose his life at such a young age was commendable.

 

Nina admitted to herself--she was weak. She could never bring herself to pour so much time and effort into having the world hate her. Then again, the world already hated her and was hunting her for creating the F.L.E.I.J.A. in the first place. At least she could see the result of her actions. She deserved the treatment she received after killing so many innocent people. Lelouch on the other hand would die, never knowing whether his efforts paid off.

 

Nina decided that that was punishment in itself: not knowing what would come after. He was making the final sacrifice of not knowing whether it was selfless enough to avoid the trap of hell. His loss of life would take the pain he created with him, and at least a few more people could sleep in peace without wondering if they would wake up tomorrow in a battle zone, or not at all. 

 

The Elevens--or Japanese--could live with Britannians too, finally equal. Nina wasn’t quite sure yet how she felt about that, but she had loved Kallen as a friend before realizing her ethnicity. As much as she hated that Kallen had worked with Zero, she regretted how she had reacted when Kallen revealed the fact that she was Japanese. Nina’s stomach sunk with the weight of more guilt when she recalled how she had screamed, “You're an Eleven! You're an Eleven and you pretended to be my FRIEND?!!” 

 

Her upbringing had trained her to dislike and even hate the people who had been called Elevens for so long. The opinions of everyone around her only ingrained her xenophobia into her personality. This also helped her to hate Zero, since she assumed that only an Eleven would fight for the freedom of Japan. Obviously, she was wrong, and her guilt proved her wrong, and she didn’t want to be angry or afraid or guilty anymore. But she would never escape the guilt. The only thing she could do was attempt to aim her actions towards peace and happiness for more than just herself.

 

Lelouch shouldn’t need to bear this burden alone. He had simply fought for what he believed to be right using destructive means. Nina had unintentionally done the same thing, and she would be a hypocrite to criticize the way Lelouch had achieved his goals.

 

There was no going back. The countermeasure was the last piece to the puzzle, and if she couldn’t do this one thing right, she knew she wouldn’t be able to function for the rest of her miserable life. This was her chance to redeem herself and make things right between herself and the person she had viewed as her enemy for so long. She likely wouldn’t get another chance, so she surrounded herself in mechanical parts and got to work.   
  


**Author's Note:**

> In all honesty, I actually strongly dislike Nina as a character, but I thought it'd be interesting to look into her head and experience what likely was bouncing around her head.


End file.
